My Good Friend

June 29, 2007

I know you  all have a good friend, one you email maybe once in awhile, or run into, but still you both know you would cover each others back no matter what. Well I had a friend like that Heather!! We worked together for years and would do lunch, laugh,cry and just be there for each other. In fact Heather is the very first one to know I had to have my foot surgery, and held me when I cried after the doctor said they found a spot. We cried together then we stood up and “high-fived” each other and said I would get through this. She was right and was also there for me when I went back to work and learned of my RSDS and all it entailed We went through tons together.  When our  Mervyn’s closed, we both chose the same store to transfer to, cause we so wanted to work together til we retired, hahaha.

Then I had to stop working but would go see her at the store, would see her and her baby Jeb, at the grocery store etc. We planned on getting a Mervyn’s reunion organized and were emailing each other.

Well this morning I learned my good friend Heather passed away at the tender age of 37yrs old. DAMN IT WHY??!!!!!  She died two weeks ago and I never even knew.  Must be they had a very private service as it wasn’t in the paper and our “Mervyn’s grapevine” didn’t even know.  Kathie found out only last night, but cause of death, well we don’t know.  I can’t even put into words how shook up and devastated I was, I mean I just got the chills, the sick feeling in my stomach and tears in my eyes.  It has been weighing on me all day, no matter how hard I try to push it back.  It’s a reality, Heather is gone, WOW!!!

Poor Ashley when I told her, she about dropped.  I tell you the girl turned a pasty white and was totally speechless.  I felt bad for her, but had to tell her.

So I have been “thinking” all day long and running things through my head, random thoughts you know.  I think of friends, family, little spats here and there.  The frustrations, the hurts, tears, joys all of it and realize, damn life is way too short.  Grudges shouldn’t be, forgiveness and quality time SHOULD be the way of life.  Oh I know it’s not and I know soon I will be back in my groove of frustration, anger and any other emotion with friends and family but I pray somehow I turn myself around before it’s too late.  Like with Heather and I , yeah we talked about a Mervyn’s re-union but nope never got it going, so sad, and now it’s too late.  I personally don’t want one without her.

Each one of you that reads this, please take a moment and tell yourself that you will live every day to the fullest and appreciate life.  I am telling you, we just never ever know!!!!

Heather is watching down over her hubby and baby boy, I know that.  I also know she is watching over her family and friends, but she should be here doing that, you know?   DAMN DEATH, no rhyme or reason to it, is there?

I feel I have gotten to know alot of you through this blogging and  just want you all to know I thank you for being a part of my life, for reading my blogs, no matter how boring or bitchy they may be, and for just being YOU!!!!


Melt Down

June 26, 2007

Oh geeze I think I experienced first hand this morning what they mean by “melt down.”  I just lost it and for no particular reason.  Well maybe a particular one, the twins were still asleep while I was trying to do everything, plus take care of mama.  I got to thinking how that’s just not right and went in to wake them.  Yeah that was a joke, they stay up half the night and sleep half the day.  Lately they work, and sleep and no help around here when I most need it.  It it wasn’t for Miranda and Mikayla I don’t know what I would have done. They have been an awesome help to me.

Sooooooooooo yeah all that built up, plus trying to heal mama got to be a tad too much.  I told the twins help without me asking, is  not asking for the moon.   They will do something if I ask, but this morning that just wasn’t good enough for me.  And the more I think of it, really just “do” don’t say “is there anything I can do?”  They know how hard it is to get mama out of the wheelchair and into bed, come in and help me, Mikayla does.  How about just making me a cup of tea when I collapse on the couch from sheer exhaustion, just do something on their own.  Maybe I am wrong to expect this, but darn I am doing it all while they are asleep.  Ashley says “well do you want me to ask for less hours at work so I can help?”  My answer was no, just help when you are here instead of sleeping all day.  Her reply “well I am so tired” hahaha a joke.  I wait up for them to get home from work, which is anywhere from midnight to 1am, and I am up between 6:30 and 7am.  So tired is so not an excuse in my book!!!  Hell they are 18 and I am 55, mmmm see, no excuse.

Now of course they are tripping over themselves to do things but to me at least today, it’s not helping.  I had to break down, shake, cry and nearly go crazy for them to help.  Yeah it’s not working for me. I know they are acting this way because of my melt down.

I also think I needed the melt down.  The tears helped release some of the tension and I do feel better.  Strange huh?  Damn maybe I am a nut job and don’t even realize it.

On a  brighter note, mama is sitting in her recliner watching tv, dog on her lap and she says quite comfortable.  It’s so good to have her out here.  She has been out of bed since ohhh 3:30 or so and it’s now 8pm, so doing real well.  At first I had her on the stool at the counter, but that wasn’t cutting it for her, so I moved her to the recliner.  No complaints out of her and she ate most of her supper.  She is doing pretty good today and that’s what I like to see.  I bet she is out here til 10pm her normal bedtime.   She will sleep good tonight I bet.

The physical therapist was here and after she left mama did take a nap  The pt will be here 2 to 3 times a week for a few weeks, then see how it’s going. Hopefully they can help and mama’s back will be back to normal before long.

So melt down over, things calm, and mama out here, yeah the day did turn out okay   afterall!! Crisis over I hope and pray.   Seems like everyday there is something, so hopefully now we can start fresh tomorrow.  We are finally getting some nice weather again, so that’s always a plus too.  Oh yeah always focus on the bright side or you all will end up with a melt down like I did.  See I lost focus for a few and that’s all it takes.  I normally only focus on the good but oopsie I messed up!!!

A Better Day!!!

June 23, 2007

Mama had a better day today than yesterday.  I say it’s her ol Irish blood and stubborness that will get her well.  She did sit out here with us for a little over a half hour today.  Oh so darn good to have her out here again.  I have so missed her, my mama, my buddy!!!

The nurse came today and did an evaluation on her.  She was here almost two hours!!!  She said she doesn’t feel she will be coming here for very long, as she sees mama is getting the very best of care.  Well I told her TLC goes a long ways in helping someone get well.  The only thing she suggested is I try ice on mama’s back.  Right on, I am there, ice she wants for mama, ice she will get!!!

A physical therapist will be out one day next week to work with mama to help her recovery along.   The nurse told me they may just show me exercises to do with her, she wasn’t sure.  If they do I told her of course I will do them faithfully.

It’s been a rough week but you know we made it through.  We all hurt for mama and have all done what we can to make her comfortable.  We take turns sitting with her when she is awake, from the 6yr old to the twins, to me and to hubby, the cat, dog haha you name the critter, two and four legged, we have all been in with her.

Each day she will heal and it will be a better day for her, I just know that.  She is tough and determined and I have faith all will be back to normal before long.  God love her, she is hanging in even with the pain.

Today I did manage to teach Mikayla our 11 yr old granddaughter how to make homemade cake donuts.  She did a fantastic job and oh what a treat.  Do nuts hot and fresh from the pan and the grin on her face!!!!   I told her next week I will teach her how to make cinnamon rolls and then raised donuts.  She is a fast learner.  I helped her read the recipe and let her do all the work.  She is so proud of all the “yum yums” she got from everyone but the very best was watching Great Grandma Peg ( mama) eating and enjoying the donut.  Mikayla just reached over and gave her the biggest hug and kiss when mama finished it.  I tell you that was a sweet moment and one to keep in my memory forever.

Had to laugh cause Miranda our 6 yr old granddaughter asked me to teach her how to make sno cones!!!!  Too cute.  yeah I cheat, got her a sno cone machine last year and so now I am “the coolest” hahahaha/ you all know I am loving that one, right????

Can you tell it’s been a fantastic day around here??? Yeah it has and now the twins are both home safe and sound, ahhhhhhhhh midnight, so I can go to bed, knowing full well all are in, safe and close by.   See no matter how old they may be, I have to wait up for them.  Just call me over protective but that’s me.

No Time

June 22, 2007

I have had no time to just sit and write a blog or even read any.  I love to read what everyone is doing but lately just can’t get to it.

Mama is still in pain but today seemed in much better spirits and did have an appetite.  I do feed her, mostly and of course the everyday cleaning, the getting her comfy, all the potty breaks which require tons of lifting etc so it’s like the job never ends.  I so don’t mind one bit helping her, don’t get me wrong.  What I do mind is there not being enough time in the day to do it “all.”  She is keeping me busy and of course she comes first and foremost in the course of the day.

The girls have been having fun and are excellent little helpers.  Well everyone here is, so that helps alot.  I did get to go in the pool with the girls for two days in a row.  A nice little rest for me.  Hubby watched mama so it was nice to just float and relax for a few.

But once mama is better, you can bet I will be the faithful reader everyday, trust me there.  I miss knowing what is going on in everyone’s life!!!

Also a huge thanks to all of you that repsonded to my trauma experience at the hospital.  I would love for each and everyone of you to come out and help me kick some ass.  Man we would be quite the crew to reckon with wouldn’t we???  Yeah we could take them all down!!!

Your support so mean tons to me, so again THANKS to all.

More Trauma

June 19, 2007

Okay yeah my my Charmin went on to heaven and it has sadden us all, but now we have another trauma we are dealing with.

Saturday night mama was “wandering”. Around 2am she was walking the hall trying to “go home” as she put it. I got her back to bed, told her she was home and thought I eased her fears, wrong. Around 2:30 she had gotten up again and my grandson heard a thump. Yep, sure as that mama fell in the hallway while she was once again wandering. She apparently hit her back on the door casing and by the time I got to her Bryce was hoisting her to her feet. We checked her over calmed her and finally got her back in bed. She said she was fine, but wanted to go home. Finally I just said “mama I will take you home at 7 o’clock tomorrow morning” She was happy with that and didn’t get out of bed again during the night. I know cause I basically just stayed awake waiting!!!

So Sunday when I go to get her up for the day, we are chatting, she is giggling all normal. Normal that is until I have her sit up to get in the wheelchair. Oh my, it hurt me the yelp she let out and said “my back”. I told her it hurt because she fell and I am sure it’s bruised so proceeded to the bathroom to get her ready for the day.

Well she was sitting there and told me her back hurt so much it was making her sick to her stomach. She was trying to vomit and oh my the sweat beading right up on her forehead and she really did look like hell. Pale and like she was in pain. I left her for a second and called hubby to come home. I needed his help to get her to the ER. I finally get her washed, teeth brushed dressed etc and back in her wheel chair, her just almost screaming in pain. Got her to the kitchen to wait for hubby and she kept saying she was going to be sick, she needed to lie down, and the sweat beading up again. That did it for me I grabbed the phone and called 911. I knew hubby and I couldn’t get her in the car, and besides she said she needed to lie down. I so thought there were broken bones and was afaid to move her anymore.

Fire dept first to arrive, take her vitals said all is normal, great etc. I said “yeah, it’s her back she fell and I am afraid she broke something” So then one of the paramedics says “well why aren’t you taking her to the hospital in your car?” Well DUMMY we can’t get her IN THE CAR, is what I wanted to say but just said, cause I feel she should be laying down, she is hurting and I know we can’t get her in the car. He pops back with” well we can get her in, then at the hospital go in and tell them you need someone to get her out” Okay I feel like I am a total nuisance to them so said “whatever, she just need to get to a hospital” I also told them hubby was on the way home and he told me by the time they got her in the car, he should be here. Nice guy?? NOT!!!!

But three paramedics got her in the car, hubby arrives and off we go. Get to the ER get help and the guy has to literally lift mama out, as she can’t move for the pain. Then the guy asks why I didn’t call 911!! Well shit man, I did, is what I wanted to say, but again was polite. Told him I did and what the paramedic suggested. That ticked him off, said it wasn’t right, she should have been in an ambulance etc, so the hospital receptionist informed me they were lodging a complaint. Like I give a rat’s ass at that point, just help my mother.

Okay get a jackass of a doctor who by the way never once had mama sit up so she could look at her back!! Nope just had tons of xrays and cat scans taken. She says no broken bones, but wasn’t sure she would release mama to us. Said she can get her a room in a nursing home!!! OH YEAH you can bet I was “this close” to decking that broad. I told my husband hold me back or I will be on the 11 0’clock news for beating up a pregnant doctor.

So xrays and cat scan of head and neck all okay so she says she needs to see that mama can care for herself before she releases her. Well you dumb ass doctor she has dementia/alzheimers so uh NOOOOOOOOOOOO she really can’t care for herself or walk. Even on a good day a few steps with assistance and that’s it. So this one nurse, the rough neck broad yanks mama up and stands her up, while mama is yelping in pain!!! Mind you up to this time or around 7pm, and yeah we got there at 1:50pm, not one drop of pain meds to help mama. So the other nurse has a wheel chair in the hallway and they like expected mama to walk to it!!! Never happen and finally I couldn’t handle that rough treatement so told the nurse “out of my way, I will do this” and had mama take a few steps, saw she was hurting and told the other broad to get the wheel chair in the room “now”. Got mama in it and she says “I’m going to be sick” Sure enough she was THREE times. So the bright doctor decides to finally give her some pain meds and something for the nausea. I told her she was in pain and the pain made her sick to her stomach but no, they don’t believe me. The the bright, well bright as a two watt light bulb can be, doctor touches mama stomach and says “does that hurt?” Naturally mama say ooooooooh yes, and I told the doctor no, I doubt it. I told her just clipping mama’s nails you would think I was killing her. Again bright doctor “no hear” me, orders a cat scan of the stomach, here we go another hour waiting. All good, so then not so bright doctor says “I will be more than happy to get her a room over at the nursing home, but will respect your decision and release her to you” Yeah bitch you value you life so you backed down and a good thing!!!

So mama higher than a kite on morphine is great, gets home and is ready to take our three porch steps with bells on. Haha I have never seen my mama high but WOW, she even say dancing donkeys!!!! Oh yeah alot of morphine so I just go her to bed for a good nights sleep.

Today not so good, the not so bright doctor prescribed oxycodone for pain. yeah for a 90yr old dementia patient, damn, that would send her to the moon. So I had to follow up with her dr today anyway and I did question the oxycodone. NOPE do not give it to her his orders, give her Tylenol II. Have hubby stop for it after work and it’s prescription only!!! Pharmacist recommended extra strength tylenol so hubby got that. I gave mama two and it didn’t even touch her pain. Just getting her to the bathroom is an ordeal and she sweats, knees buckle and she is almost crying from the pain.

I do have to call her doctor tomorrow to let them know how she is, so will get something stronger for her pain. Heck Wednesday I have to take her in to see him, so need something for her so hubby and I can get her there!!!!

Also today Janelle, her regular nurse, asks me if mama is still living with us. I say say “yeah” and she tells me the not so bright doctor changed mama’ s address to the address of the nursing home. OH damn let me at that broad, I will beat the crap out of her. HOW DARE HER!!!!!!!!

Anyway mama is still in tons and tons of pain, so will talk to Janelle again tomorrow and if they want to see her, I will bring her in.

So Bryce, Mikayla, Miranda and I proceed to set up the hospital bed for mama. Figure it will be safer with this wandering stage cause of the side rails, and easier on mama’s back as I can adjust the bed to her comfort. Get it all set up all made up, plug it in and realize damn the entire frame is on backwards. YEAH I did that, so gave up and t

My Cat

June 17, 2007

Sad way to start our day today.  My cat Charmin of 14 yrs died.  It has been very hard on all of us and yes plenty of tears were shed.  Ashely is still devastated as Charmin slept with her every night since she has been around 6 yrs old.  Yes when the kids were here on week ends and vacations, before we got custody, Charmin latched onto Ashley.  When she moved in, well if you wanted Charmin, look no further than Ashley’s room and you would find him.

It’s been rough and I find myself still looking around for him.  One good thing he wasn’t outside all alone, he was right here and hubby actually watched him take his last breath.  He didn’t realize he was gone, just told me he thought Charmin’s ear was bothering him again, cause he was bouncing around trying to scratch it.  Well when I looked I knew right away, nothing would be bothering him ever again.  Charmin was part of the family so you can about imagine the down mood around here today.

Each day will get better and Charmin may be gone but he’s not forgotten!!!

On to the real life

June 15, 2007


Okay so graduation is over and now the kids have the “real” world to face.  I know they are planning on community college in the fall, then hopefully move onto a university but I wonder if all will go as planned.  Life, would I want to be just starting?  I have to say no to that question. I think of all the challenges today’s world, the fast pace, and the need for a good college education to get a good job.  I know there are jobs out there you can get without a college education, but to keep up with the prices etc, one needs to be making the big bucks!!!!

Then of course there’s the “first” apartment, the “first” real love, everything is a first now for the kids.  They have had a rough life, but the last 7 1/2 years they have led a cushy life.  I admit we do spoil them and they have it made here, but they are going to eventually leave the “nest” so to speak.  Will they find it hard?  Will they be able to cope? Will they have tons of struggles?  All the questions that are unanswered and all the things that I worry about.

I know they are young adults and they will have to experience everything on their own and cope with any obstacles that may come their way.  I have the “motherly” or rather the “grandmotherly” instinct to protect them from everything out there, but know it would only hurt them in the long run.  Then I ask myself exactly how do I stay in the background and just watch!!!!  Yeah that is going to be a toughie for sure.  I will want to pick them up each time they are down, will want to be there to pick up the extra expenses etc, but know it will be wrong.  So I have decided that I so don’t like this stage in the kids life.  I honestly think it’s going to be harder on me, than it is on them. How on earth do I let go, stand by and watch and not do anything??

I know each of the kids are smart, they have common sense, and they are great kids so why do I still worry about them?  I guess it’s I just don’t look at them and see an “adult” and doubt that I ever will.  Must be the “grandma” in me, I don’t want them to grow up.  I don’t want them to leave the nest.  I don’t want them to move on.

But what I want isn’t the issue now.  The issue is a brand new world opening up for the kids and all I can do is wish them the very best and pray they make all the right decisions.  Oh I will be here for them at all times, but only in the background.  I will have to practice that one alot, I can tell you that much.

I think back on their younger years, the teenage years and all they have done.  The good, the bad and the ugly, but how lucky am I that they turned out as wonderful as they did!!!!!  They will make it and they will be okay, but will I?  I so don’t want to let go.  Yeah I must be ill or something, I really should be jumping for joy right???  That’s just not me, I love having them here. Heck I love having all my kids here.  If I had my way I would have a HUGE house and have all of us living in one spot.  Yeah I am a dreamer I know.   I also know that’s not possible so I just want all the best for the kids, and I want them to stick with their college plans and have a great life!!!