I know it’s like I so despise the word altzheimers, so I refuse to relate that to mama. I am only fooling myself because each day I see the altzheimers more than the dementia. I can fool myself for awhile longer though, I am sure of it.
Have you ever wondered about the working of your brain? I never did, I always thought, okay I have a brain, that’s what the doctors say , that’s what all the books say and it will always be with me. Not so, the brain is a real funny thing you know? It can let you down, I am seeing first hand with my mom. Imagine waking up every single day and not having a clue as to where you are, what you are doing there and even who the person is that woke you up. Yeah that’s her. I go in her room, the dog and cat jump up on her bed and I lay down beside her. She just looks and I tell her all over again who I am, where she is etc. Now mmm the “little dog” as she calls Max, I believe she remembers, same with the cat. Although at times she will ask me who they belong to.
Her days are all the same, everything is new to her. Never been here before, never did this before, never say this house before, it’s just so sad. But what is really eating at me now is that word atlzheimers!!! Up until recently I really didn’t see a whole lot of change in her and I would answer her questions, roll with the flow etc and continue to say she has dementia.
Why do I think well know it’s altzheimers? The hallucinations, the eyes that look but I am not sure if they see you, the not being able to walk the majority of the time, oh lots of things. The hallucinations mainly though, the other stuff I can deal with, help her, transport her etc. Hallucinations well I can pretend to do as she ask. One time it was “do you see that bread running across the counter?” “Can you make it stop?”. The other day she was in fear almost, told me she had a bunch of bananas on her arm and would I please get them off. I tried but she kept telling me they were still there. I did all sorts of things to ease her fears, take the “load” of the bananas off her but nothing worked. Finally I just changed the subject and that seemed to bring her back to me. In some instances it can be funny, not laughing at her, but you know just funny what she dreams up. This instance though to me almost scared me. She was so serious, so worried and oh the glaze in her eyes. You see my fear is she is going to just fade into her own lil world one of these days, and I won’t be able to bring her back.
Hope Floats, a great movie, gave me an in site of what altzheimers really is. For those of you that have seen it, remember the dad? Just sitting there staring straight ahead, and only living in the past?? That is what I watch for in mama. Each day the sad thing is I see it getting more a reality. I want to prevent it, keep her active, but how I do that, way beyond me.
I talk to her all the time, just silly things, anything really. Sing silly songs, have her dance, get her giggling just whatever pops into my head. I do all this to keep that glaze and the hallucinations at bay. I know I can’t fool the brain, yeah my brain tells me that. But my heart says something different. My heart says do whatever it takes to keep mama in this world with us, don’t let the glaze in her eyes stay. Don’t let her fade away and just sit all day staring doing nothing. I have got to continue and I just have to keep her here!!!!
This blog business is awesome for me when I have such fears. It’s therapy, my out, keeps me sane. Gives me the strength to carry on and to keep mama in the here and now. I was against blogging at first, enjoyed reading everyone’s and still do, but never thought it would help me as much as it has. Kellie and Kelly my thanks to both of you for “forcing” me to blog. Yeah Kellie you used lil Morgan, uh huh, you know it!!! Dirty pool girl, how can I let Morgan down, right? Kelly M you used the beat her with a stick tactic, yeah and you know it. Badger me all the time haha. So I hate letting you both know you are “right” but have no choice. So thank you two, you have given me another avenue to well vent, whine, be silly, and therapy all in one.
So now it’s time to put the computer away and spend all the quality time I can with my mom, she is the very best and with alot of hope, prayer, medications, and especially LOVE, here’s hoping I can keep her in the here and now.
Do me a favor to all that read this. Pick up the phone, or if close, visit with your mom’s okay??? Treasure you mom, whether you think they are the good, the bad or the ugly, they are your mom and life is way to cruel and short to not chat with them and enjoy them every single day. I miss my mom more than words could say, I want her back, I want to tell her things that I should have when she was “here” It’s too late for me, so please all of you, don’t let it be too late for you. The brain is great, yet it can be bad at the same time!!!!