I have been sitting here just thinking of things and listening to the rain on the deck. To me it’s such a soothing sound and yeah I get in this calm, relaxed mood and just think.
Mama of course is always on my mind. I keep thinking of her and wondering if she is feeling any of her loss. Her memory is just going so fast, it really does scare me. She can’t even retain anything for any longer than oh a few minutes now. Once in awhile she will surprise me and say “oh I remember this” and that is what keeps me going. It is just sad watching such a wonderful woman go through something like this.
I guess now I could describe this phase of the dementia, )or like my sister insist on me saying; Alzheimer’s ) would be heading toward the infant stage in life. Watching mama these past 5 1/2 years is what I have been calling, watching the circle of life. She is 90 and now she is regressing instead of progressing in life. The stage right now is difficult, I won’t lie about that, but it’s so worth it to me to keep her going. I am having to help her do everything and if she knew, oh she would be just devastated. She has always been one spunky woman, loved yard work, knitting, crossword puzzles, visiting, traveling etc and now she can’t even remember how to use a fork or spoon. Why does this happen to people I wonder???
The other day I was watching her and trying so hard to remember how she was when our roles were reversed and she was taking care of me, raising me. OMG I drew a total blank, seriously remembered nadda. Oh I remember her from when I was older, married and chatted on the phone with her or visited her on our many transfers of duty stations, but my younger days, absolutely nothing. I could have cried when I realized that but just shrugged my shoulders and decided not to dwell on something I had no control over. Same with mama’s dementia, I don’t dwell on it, I just get to thinking of the saddness of it all.
My childhood wasn’t the greatest and I know everyone has their own stories, I am not alone in the world, but!!! I grew up with an alcoholic father and guess I just blocked out the early days, who know. I know that I have always loved and respected and yes feared my mom, never once had fights or anything with her. I have always felt she was my best friend, and still do, even now. I live for my mom actually and I have never regretted bringing her out her. I feel now I am so fortunate to have her. Even if it’s as I say, just her body and someone else’s mind, she is still my mom and my best friend.
My thinking then jumped to the twins and me wondering if they will continue with their careers they want. I know every kid fresh out of high school has huge dreams and some pursue them others drop them. I won’t push the kids, what they want out of life is really up to them, all we can do is guide at this point in time. I have been giving them more space but the neat part is they still check in and still ask permission before they do anything. Of course I never say no to them, they are 18 and I know they are good kids. They ask permission like “is it okay if I go to “so and so’s” house after work?” or “Is it okay if I go to a movie on Thurs night?” Nothing big, but the idea is they still ask, which to me I really like. Both are working alot of hours and late hours so sleep most of the day. Now that I don’t care for cause they aren’t doing as much as they should around here, but I don’t have melt downs or even say anything anymore. As long as they continue to do their own laundry, clean up the bathroom when they are done and continue to work, I will take it. I realize it could be much worse.
From the kids the ol mind traveled to the hubby and his job. He just got a nice promotion and I keep asking if that means he will retire sooner. His answer is no, three more year then we can surpass the goal we set for ourselves. Okay three more years of his crazy hours at work, can I handle it? Sure, why not, I have been coping aok so far and three years really isn’t that long to wait to have him home all the time. No I am not nuts, didn’t fall off the deep end, nothing like that. I enjoy it when he is home, it’s so nice and so hate to see his days off or vacations come to an end.
Zipping right along the ol brain jumped to our son in Kansas. So glad he has come around in the past few years. We hear from him all the time now via phone calls, and he chats with his kids quite a bit too. Plus the fact that he as been up here twice in one year is a miracle in itself. It’s good to have a close relationship again. We did drift apart for a long time, but that’s the past, now it’s good and I know it will continue to be that way.
From Kansas to Idaho and our daughter, son in law, and two beautiful granddaughters. Oh how I can’t wait until the day we move over there, so we can be at every dance recital, swim meet, birthday, holiday and just everyday visits. Life can’t get much better than that for me. Of course the twins need to be close to us too and are talking of college over there, yeah the perfect life!!!!
Then my sister popped into my head. I still haven’t told her I doubt that the trip I have planned in Oct will happen. I am just winging it right now and do have my ticket but, not sure if it will happen. I so hate to break promises that I make, it upsets me so much, but mama must come first now days. I promised my sister that I would be with her every anniversary of her husbands death and I did make it to the first one. I worried about mama but hubby, the kids and a home health care person eased that for me. But now it’s diapers where as last year mama was able to get to the bathroom on her own, and get ready for bed on her own. That ability left her several months ago and she doesn’t even realize what a bathroom is for anymore, and can’t dress or un dress herself. I don’t have any care givers that are allowed to come and just stay 24/7. With the kids crazy hours and hubby’s, I honestly think my trip back to NY this year will be a no go. But as I said, for now I am winging it.
There is respite care but what would it do to mama? She wouldn’t understand and she would be in a strange place, could she take that at her age? Do I want to attempt it or rather maybe I should say “risk it?” I havem’t decided yet, I am afraid to make that decision actually. The thoughts all jumble in my head when I do think about it. I only want what is best for mama and I know my sister will understand, but again, I so hate to break promises. At this phase of mama’s dementia I can go ahead and make lots of plans, but cannot and will not make any more commitments.
My thoughts jumped right to me and my foot, my poor ol “wii wii itis” as I call it and then to our evening of bowling. Oh what a difference having that silly video game in this house has made. We actually spend quality time together, even if it is late at night. We make time for each other and so enjoy it. Yeah I am a fanatic and have gone off the deep end buying contollers, skins for the controllers, battery chargers etc, but it’s all so worth it. Before it was almost too dull of a routine for us. We were tired by 9pm yet had to wait up for the kids to get home. Normally us sleeping on the couch or hubby in the chair snoring and me watching tv. Not anymore, haha we do look forward to 10:20 each evening, silly as it sounds. I get mama all ready and safely tucked into bed and comfy, then it’s ME time, well OUR time I guess I should say. A very enjoyable time too and next thing we know it’s 2am!!!!! That’s only because the kids come in from work around mid night to 1am, call next game and we have to play!!! Silly but hey the Wii has brought quality family time to this house and I am thankful for that.
If my foot gets bad or my back yeah I bowl sitting down, obsession huh? But it’s something that I can really participate in. It’s been so hard having to be the one to sit out because of a bum foot, I have hated that part of my RSDS, so now I don’t have to sit out anymore. I then traveled down the road from the first screwed up surgery until now and do honestly take pride in myself for still being mobile. My doctor told me within one year I would be wheelchair bound, haha sure fooled him. It’s going on 8 years now and yep I do everything that I possible can. What the hell, I pop my pain pills, zap my lil zapper to control the pain and carry on. That I think is all because of the twins and mama. They have kept me going, I needed them just as much as they needed me. Hubby cares for all of us and does whatever he can to make things a comfortable as possible, so yeah my thought this morning have shown me just how lucky I am. I feel on top of the world and you know I have that calming sound of the rain to thank for taking me on my “thinking journey.”
But now it’s time to snap out of it, get on with the daily routine. That includes getting of this computer and getting mama into the shower. My day really starts when I get her up, she needs constant supervision and attention, which I am more than willing to give. So let the rain fall, let my thought continue, but also let me get up off my butt and get busy!!!!